I’m sitting at Starbucks at a wobbly table in the corner next to some knitters (one just took a photo of the other in the hat she’d just made) because David basically kicked me out of the house.
Yup… kicked me out of the house.
I was full on shaking while making Fin his second batch of eggs because I’ve gotten terrible sleep in the past week and a half, Maddie woke up screaming in the middle of the night… again… Owen was screaming because he wanted to crack an egg, then wanted a snack instead of his cereal, pudding and eggs… his second plate mind you because he’d poured at least half of the salt shaker onto his first plate.
David came in there, told me to get dressed and to go sit at Starbucks. It’s the closest thing (less than a mile from our house) to just go to sit and hang out. Plus, they have coffee and by now you guys should just know my coffee weakness.
I should’ve known I was going to lose it whenever Maddie and Owen woke up after I’d already gotten super shaky after talking to David about my laptop.
He had the kindle (his, but used to be mine until his laptop broke and he needed it more than I did), we were sitting down eating together and watching this show while he tried to use my laptop to buffer the next episode. I had him bring it back to the table so I could do some work on it then asked if I could close out two tabs. He said no, and that’s when it happened… I started on a ridiculous rant about him taking my stuff all the time, about how nothing in the house is mine, he took my kindle, he just takes my laptop all the time whenever he needs it (which is never really that often), about how I can’t get just two seconds to do what I need to do, I can’t even do the stuff I was going to do on it for fear of freezing the laptop and him getting annoyed because he’d just lost all the buffering time on that show he was so excited to watch with me. He then tried to just take his tabs and move them to another window, no bigs- right?! Nope! That actually froze it, I just got up and left the room because I could feel myself just panicking. (bless him for trying to fix my crazy freak out) He came in there and tried to buffer it on his laptop (it’s OLD and slow and old) and it froze up just loading the page. He said something about how this was why he wanted to use my laptop and I just felt myself getting teary eyed. He went back to playing his game while I told him he could use my laptop, no big deal, I’d do my stuff later. I was trying to be calm about it and was serious about just letting him use it, all the while I was shaking on the inside. What was wrong with me?
Once it had passed and I’d truly calmed down, I told him about it. He looked at me, realized I was dead serious and said it was probably because of all the stress with Maddie (I’ll get to that in another ramble) and my no sleep and all the random life stress in general that’s been getting to me. I thought about it for a second and realized it made sense. I’ve never had anxiety issues but I had sat there with tears in my eyes as I was shaking over sharing my laptop with him! That’s just silly. I mean, I know that that wasn’t the real reason I was borderline losing it, but that’s what started it; a great morning with breakfast ruined because I was losing it.
I need sleep, I need days off, I need ME time.
I’m signing Owen up for hourly care through the CDC here on post, even if I put him in it once a week for two hours (while Maddie and Fin are at school), that’s TWO whole hours for just ME! Even if I just go home and clean or spend two hours sitting at Starbucks, that’s two hours of not worrying about the kids, or why the house is so quiet, wondering what Owen’s getting into, or what mess he’s making.
I think I will avoid the house just to avoid Bo. I could easily pick up Owen and Maddie and then head home, put Owen down for a nap and make Maddie lunch, then clean up the house, I’d surely be more relaxed. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, I love my babies, more than anything but my goodness, somewhere over the years, I’ve just put them first so many times that I’ve lost myself. Not to say that that’s a bad thing, but to put them before David, to put them before myself, that’s when it gets less good. I’ve lost myself in the kids, in the house, in the day to day life that I reach my breaking point much sooner than usual and more frequently than ever before. I’ve never suffered from anxiety, I can’t imagine what it’s like to feel that way more often than the few times I’ve panicked like that. I’m just thankful that david kicked me out, that he knew I was breaking and told me to just go.
Even with the annoyingly loud knitters next to me and the wobbly table, just rambling about this without the loudness of my house, I can tell I’m less stressed; I’ve calmed down a bit. I’m still shaky- just ask my pour coffee cup that’s shaking every time I try to sip it, but I’m less on the line of panicking.
Am I alone in this?
I mean surely not.
It’s so weird to me. I know that a lot of it is because our house is just small. Two adults, a big huge Bo dog, and three kids in one house– it’s bound to be loud. Usually I love the loudness of the full house, but days like today… Starbucks is just a nice change of pace.